Death of My Libido

Photo courtesy of www.allanalford.com

Once lovingly deemed "Sex Goddess of the Universe," I was the last person I ever thought would lose interest in sex. And it happened to me.

I found sacred sexuality at the age of 48 and learned that there were unexplored depths I had only briefly touched, in a few outstanding encounters. Now I had tools and techniques to cultivate awareness of the presence of the Divine, instead of just having the innate knowing that She was somehow in the room, watching from a corner.

My fascination with sex has always had a spiritual component. At age 12, I was pretty much done with Christianity, as it was presented to me in a tiny Methodist church in Kress, Texas. Reverend Secord was a dear old man, but his only answer for all my questions ("Why are babies born blind? Why do people have to suffer and die? What's up with all this suffering?") was, "It is God's will." I'd sit back in the chair across from his huge desk, my feet dangling, and think to myself, "And I'm supposed to worship this dude?" Fortunately, a book about Edgar Cayce, "Many Mansions," by Gina Cerminara, crossed my path about this same time and my lifelong love of the possibilities of reincarnation was born (or reborn, perhaps).

I was wildly curious abut sex and got zero information from the supposedly caring adults around me. I figured I was just going to have to learn by doing. I found a willing participant and suddenly I shifted my obsessions from horses to boys. Exploring in the back seat of a car is better than nothing...no, better than lots of things. I knew in my bones that there must be something mystical/ magical about sexual encounter. I just couldn't find anyone that understood my quest until I found tantric teachings.

As I approached menopause, the emotional content of unresolved identity issues arose. It seems I reviewed my late teens and twenties, which were filled with turmoil and confusion. My emotional states became imbalanced and my body seemed to jump at the opportunity to fall apart, piece by piece. It was grim. I was saved by bio-identical hormones and a hot, young man who became my lover after a long dry spell. Saved! And now that things have settled down I find myself with a different sexuality. One based in respect, exquisite attention to detail, and thankfully, a slower pace. Not a hot, cute chick anymore, but still a hot momma...make that hot grandmamma.